What they don't tell you.

Update: I just want to clarify something really quick! There is some confusion as to who "they" are, that I speak of in this post. "They" does not reflect anyone in particular, but mainly the general Christian outlook and teachings on sex and purity. This does not reflect the teachings of my parents or those of my church that I grew up in. Just wanted to clarify! Thank you SO much for the overwhelmingly positive response to this. I honestly was not expecting this at all! 


I attended church regularly growing up. In fact, I actually attend more now than I did in junior high and high school. But even so, I was pretty active in my high school youth group. I led Bible studies on Sunday nights, I hosted little girls groups in my home every now and then, and always made myself available when the younger girls needed someone to go to.
One memory I have of doing this was leading a Bible study on sexual purity when I was a 17.
Seventeen.
I had no sexual experience, who did I think I was leading this study?
But that's the passion I had for sexual purity. I wanted everyone to know about this gift! (A gift that I had literally no idea about.)

Sexual purity is something I hold dear to my heart; it is something I rally for and I root for those who make the promise to themselves to stay abstinent.
But when I was in high school? What I was taught? That sort of sexual purity message is not what I want young women today to be taught. Why? Because that message failed me. It failed me miserably.

I was taught that sex is great, but it's for married couples. Okay, cool. I agree with that.
I was taught that if you wait, and you abstain from any and all sexual activity, God will be so pleased with you, He will bless your marriage immensely and He will bless your sex life - it'll be fireworks and magic. Even more so, I was always told that your wedding night will be the BEST. And was it? No. (More on this in a minute.)

In the end, has this message been correct?
Eh, maybe. The first part, yeah. I agree - waiting to have sex has saved me a lot of heartache in my youth. There were so many times where temptation arose and I had to back out of a relationship completely just to keep that promise to myself.
But the other stuff? That is where I have been failed.
During my dating days, I clung to that message. I held onto it for dear life, as if my purity was the only the only thing I was good for. Now that I'm married, and have been married for four months, I can sorrowfully say that no, my marriage and sex life has not been blessed.
And our wedding night? We didn't have sex. And you know what? I felt guilty about it. I felt ashamed. I felt as if I was already failing miserably as a Christian wife. This is my duty! Or so I had been told throughout my dating days. This is what we had been building up to, this is what we had been waiting for! This is supposed to be a blessing, not something that I cry over on my wedding night because I am so stressed out over my "wifely duty."
We have struggled so hard. We have gone months without sex, and we are newlyweds, for crying out loud! We should not be having this problem!
But this is our struggle. And my fear is that there are a lot of young couples struggling with this because they were taught the same, and not enough people are talking about this issue.
I walked into my marriage with a skewed vision of what sex would be like for us. For all I knew, some magical switch would turn on and I would be this perfect, sexy wife for my husband - because that was what a lot of Christian, married women were telling me. I figured that since I was married, and since sex was finally "allowed," I could somehow easily tap into the sexy side of me, or that I could easily forget all of the times when I was told sex is just a ploy to degrade women. But no, it's been so much harder than that. I mean, I imagined it would be difficult for us at first, but I didn't imagine that this struggle would follow us into nearly 6 months of marital bliss.

I was taught the fantastic lesson of modesty, but not because I'm a beautiful creation of God, but because my body is a stumbling block for men. I was not taught that modesty does not exactly apply in the bedroom, but I was taught that men view me as a sexual object and I need to dress modestly as to distract them from that, to keep them pure. It was my job to keep them pure. Is this the message I want my daughter to hear someday? No. I want my daughter to be modest, yes. I want her to dress tastefully, and keep the goods covered, yes. But do I want her to grow up being ashamed of her body? Of her sexual nature? HECK NO. Because this is part of what has failed me.

When it comes to sex, I am ashamed. Plain and simple.
I was not taught how to nurture the sexual being that I am, whilst living a Christlike life. It was as if the two cannot coexist peacefully, and that is so incredibly untrue!

So what can undo the damage that has already been done?
Well, nothing, really. And it saddens me to say that. But what I can do is teach my daughter, teach the young women who come to me for advice, I can teach them what I have learned from all of this. I can teach them that Jesus's grace covers all; our mistakes are covered; our desires, even the sexual ones!, are not sinful, our bodies are our own and not to be objectified by men - we shouldn't allow them to be.
I'm going to teach my daughter that sex is amazing, sex is something to treasure and it is an act that truly does glorify God (as weird and awkward as that sounds). It is a physical act that can bring you and your spouse closer, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It's an incredible gift. I will not teach her to be ashamed, I will not tell her that if she has desires that she is wrong and needs to pray for her sins. I will not tell her that she is not beautiful and that her body is a harmful sin-inducing vessel. But I will tell her that it was exquisitely crafted by our Savior, that it is meant for her husband's eyes, it is meant for procreation, and most of all - it is meant to bring her just as much pleasure as it brings her husband! We should not deny our sexual nature! God created us this way! It is us, fallible humans, who have distorted the beauty that Christ bestowed on us. We have made sex an ugly, sinful act. Christ did not do this, we did.
But I digress.
Simply put, I will not teach my daughter what I have been taught.

***

When I look at this issue in an honest way, I have no issue admitting that this is due, in part, to getting married at a young age. I don't think a lot of young couples realize the struggles that marriage will entail. My parents warned me over and over about how hard marriage is, and I took it as a grain of salt (I do recall the words, "but Blake and I are in love!" happening often). But in all honesty, as a newly married, young couple, we are here to tell you, honestly and openly - that marriage is hard. And there are a lot of contributing factors to this. And for us, sex is that struggle. But, the silver lining to this, is that things do get better, easier. Our problems are not yet solved - far from it - but we aren't struggling as much anymore. I'm so grateful for that, and looking forward to the day when I can say, yes, God has blessed my marriage because Blake and I honored God and waited until marriage.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. 

This is a message that I hold so close to me, as you can probably tell. I struggled for a long time whether or not I should share this, seeing as this is such a personal matter and one that I'm not even sure SHOULD be shared considering how private and intimate sex is between a husband and wife. BUT, with that said, I do believe that there is power in words that are often unspoken. And I truly, truly hope that whoever reads this will be blessed by these words and be encouraged by them. 

I'm in the process of gathering resources and links to articles that touch on this subject much more eloquently than I ever could. 

But, I am grateful that you have lent a listening ear today and humored me in my attempt to spread a message that so desperately needs to be spread. This is why I urge parents to be cautious of what they teach their daughters. Pray, pray, pray before you start telling her about abstinence and modesty. They are both fragile subjects,  that can either free us or cause incredible damage. 

I am sad that it has caused more harm than good, in my case, but I have been so blessed by a wonderfully patient husband, and for that I am so grateful. Thank you, Blake, for always loving me and caring for me the way Christ cares for His Bride.
As always, I'm always available to talk, answer questions, or just listen in general - never hesitate to email me! You can find me at ehaleytyson (at) gmail (dot) com.