tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post232890243276479877..comments2022-10-26T04:21:38.186-05:00Comments on Practically Perfect: What they don't tell you. Haleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-24440584467405008362014-01-14T22:20:02.099-06:002014-01-14T22:20:02.099-06:00I couldn't agree more with what you have said!...I couldn't agree more with what you have said! I admire you for putting this post up. I didn't grow up in church, my family starting going in my early teens and I eventually drifted for different reason but I still make it a point to maintain my relationship with god. I too have been told exactly the same you were told, but my parents always made it known that it is nothing to ashamed or embarrassed of.<br /><br />It's more hindering for a girl growing up being taught that way; rather then teaching her that she is a beautiful creation inside and out. Sex has been twisted and turned into many different things and people tend to forget the simple meaning of a man and woman coming together in such a beautiful way. I only hope to teach my daughter then same. I wish you the best!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00570077563399701136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-10568429893405446202014-01-13T23:04:43.560-06:002014-01-13T23:04:43.560-06:00I have one small comment besides I love your post....I have one small comment besides I love your post. From a Pentecostal up bringing...I totally get where your coming from. Not gonna lie, still comes to mind , the iron rod God has waiting to "strike" when we make a mistake. ~ I know thats not true, but when its been taught, its hard to get out of the thought process.....the comment i wanted to make was in response to another comment about "after having kids and messing up your body." In a weird, strange, beautiful, magnificent, wonderful way, when you have sex with your spouse, experience the miracle of a life growing inside of you, seeing and feeling what your body was designed specifically to do that a man can not, it is somehow better. When you see what you together have created. How intimate that is!!! Stretch marks and all. Sounds strange, but you will understand. Thumbs up to you, girlfriend!roblynlavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09100143823623925199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-71987404353004762582014-01-13T21:14:12.653-06:002014-01-13T21:14:12.653-06:00I love this post! I remember after I got married t...I love this post! I remember after I got married thinking that something must be wrong with me because sex was NOT this easy thing... We waited until we were married and I am sooo glad we did, but it was not what I was expecting. Society has turned sex into something that it's not. That is something that I definitely struggle with too. <br /><br />Sex is a wonderful thing and I feel so connected to my husband through it, but it isn't always an easy thing to do... The great part is, we have the rest of our lives together to work on it, and truly believe that God will bless that part of our marriage. :)Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16949788813395469120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-91502338874567448292014-01-13T15:41:36.222-06:002014-01-13T15:41:36.222-06:00I truly appreciate your insight and your experienc...I truly appreciate your insight and your experience! Seriously. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me, and I'm hoping to take this with me as Blake and I work through this. It's a process. A long, slow, painful one. But hey - we're getting there! :) Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-62403515831452792462014-01-13T14:34:23.306-06:002014-01-13T14:34:23.306-06:00Yes, I understand. I grew up in a Christian househ...Yes, I understand. I grew up in a Christian household and was constantly fed the same message. I went to church all of my life and all youth pastors, pastors, and people in the church had the same message. No sex until marriage. I understand where you're coming from. However, none of that stopped me from having sex before marriage. Different strokes for different folks.<br /><br />When you continually say "the damage is done" it's an absolute. There are no ACTUAL absolutes in life. We can grow, mature, and get better at things. Most people start out hating wine... and like it, with time. Sometimes things just take time and your sex life in marriage will get better, with time.<br /><br />I think women have unnatural expectations for their bodies. Even though I could have been breastfeeding my kid at 3am with greasy hair and haven't shaved my armpits for 3 days... my husband still wants me... EVEN with all of that. Letting go of unreasonable expectations is a smart step. Men don't want perfect women with perfect bodies. Yeah... maybe they are on the media... maybe they are in all the pornos... guess what? They are just fantasies and while they are unhealthy to have fantasies... it's GOOD to remember that real men want REAL women... not airbrushed, women don't need 6 packs... (of beer? ;) but seriously) ...<br /><br />My biggest fantasy is to eat whatever I want without gaining weight. Ha! Well, that's not real life so I can chuck that one. <br /><br />You are GORGEOUS Haley.. and I think you know it DEEEEEEP down inside that you are pretty. So, GO with it.<br /><br />One thing I read in a book about "Sex after a baby" was that sometimes you have to GO with sex when you are feeling the moment. Maybe it's not 10pm, in bed, under the sheets... maybe it's 2am in the laundry room, maybe it's 3pm in the shower... DO it when it feels right for you and not just because it's some weird standard... Sex isn't bound by anything but YOU. ;)daniellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09767192288035178120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-66212816321981364302014-01-13T14:24:28.601-06:002014-01-13T14:24:28.601-06:00It's a tough process to do a 180 on your thoug...It's a tough process to do a 180 on your thought process. And trust me, I'm not trying to play victim to my upbringing! I'm trying to shed light on a hurtful message that the general Christian community is teaching. <br />As for clarification on my "We made sex..." comment, I love your viewpoint. And maybe I should have been more clear when I originally wrote that. But I am speaking of the general Christian idea of sex when you're not married. When you are not married, the idea is that sex is wrong, and if you have premarital sex, you are sinning. Then all of a sudden, when you are married, it's a-okay. That mindset is SO wrong. And THAT is what I meant by that. We need to be taught from the start that yes, sex is incredible, but just because you make the choice to have sex before marriage does not make it gross and dirty. That's what I meant. :) <br />I know what you mean about the magic sexy wife thing. I struggle SO much with my body, and you know what? Blake STILL wants me. Even when I've laid around all day, in sweatpants, dirty hair and no makeup. That is helping break down those walls that have been building since I was junior high. <br /><br />Thank you for your comment! I appreciate the contrasting view, and the view of someone with far more experience. <3 Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-80748463420108109742014-01-13T14:18:33.578-06:002014-01-13T14:18:33.578-06:00I applaud you for your decision! You know, growing...I applaud you for your decision! You know, growing up Christian, I was told that waiting is just how it goes and if you make any decision otherwise, it's sinful and wrong. I think this message is ruining young girls. It certainly messed with my head when it comes to sex, now! <br />I don't think enough emphasis is put on the fact that there are long term effects on shaming girls into purity. I believe in the message, but there are so many flaws. SO MANY. Ugh, so much to say and so few words to eloquently state how I feel! ;) <br />Good luck on writing your posts! I sat on this one for weeks before deciding to publish - If you post them, let me know!! I want to read them! <br />Thank you, thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your story! <3 Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-26395520524616558622014-01-13T14:14:24.445-06:002014-01-13T14:14:24.445-06:00I have read Sheet Music! I read it prior to gettin...I have read Sheet Music! I read it prior to getting married, and actually should read it again (and I JUST deleted it from my Nook. Face palm). <br />I am with you - the resources for realistic expectations are just NOT there. <br />I'm currently reading The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and I'm enjoying it so far. It's really shed some light on a few things... I wish I had read this one before we got married, as well!<br />Thank you for your comment! Like I said in another comment above, I'm super looking forward to working on this over time - and hopefully I'll be able to update with a more positive ending. ;) Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-84835702673808838972014-01-13T14:11:43.580-06:002014-01-13T14:11:43.580-06:00As someone who WAS married for almost 10 years, di...As someone who WAS married for almost 10 years, divorced, and am now in my 2nd marriage... it's really up to YOU. I understand this is personal, and I appreciate you sharing it. <br /><br />People can look back on their upbringing and blame everyone else for their problems they might have. But, today, it's YOU that decides. Don't be victimized by your past but be empowered, change your MIND. <br /><br />I am 30 years old, and maybe someone with 10-20 years more experience would look on my comment... maybe saying something completely different. Everyone is DIFFERENT. All upbringings are. I get that. <br /><br />You wrote "We have made sex an ugly, sinful act." but that is SO untrue. Maybe in your life that is the message you have heard. But, do you know what is amazing about being an adult, paying your own bills, having your own kids? You get to choose to be DIFFERENT than those who raised you. Which.. obviously you will. But, you don't have to wait UNTIL you have kids to change your mind. Start today, Haley.<br /><br />Sex is INCREDIBLE. It is AMAZING. But, after having a baby and having it damage my body with stretch marks, fat, and super widened hips... I thought I looked like garbage. I have to MAKE THE CHOICE to move past it. There is NO "magical sexy wife secret" and all of us struggle with our bodies. You get to choose whether it will defeat you or not.daniellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09767192288035178120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-71063293584341947002014-01-13T14:11:24.460-06:002014-01-13T14:11:24.460-06:00I love your view point from the non-religious side...I love your view point from the non-religious side. Yes, I agree with you - one of the many downfalls of abstinence only teaching is that there is so much shame and guilt associated! And those teaching this message neglect to acknowledge that we were made to be sexual beings! It would've saved me so much heartache had I been taught how to coexist with the spiritual me and the sexual side of me. But alas, damage has been done. Looking forward to working on this over time! <br />Thank you for the suggestions! It's nice hearing realistic opinions from people other than "it gets better." So thank you!! Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-49931125610975851012014-01-13T14:08:45.059-06:002014-01-13T14:08:45.059-06:00Thank YOU for reading this jumbled mess!
You are ...Thank YOU for reading this jumbled mess! <br />You are completely right, society and the media (don't even get me started on the media!) tell us that sex is perfect with the right person, they ruin girls' body image, they slut shame, they mock the virgin. It's a no-win situation most of the time! Honesty is desperately needed, and when I went out looking for resources of my own to look to, I was finding NOTHING that helped. <br />Anyway, thank you, again, for reading. And your comment means a lot! :) Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09671174452699667579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-15755717872362894062014-01-13T13:24:22.094-06:002014-01-13T13:24:22.094-06:00This is such a great post. I am so glad you wrote ...This is such a great post. I am so glad you wrote it. I decided not to believe in waiting until marriage and I do not regret that choice one bit, but I do see where the idea is rooted. There are a lot of relationships that can hurt, and they can hurt worse when sex is added... because of this shame. Because women feel they need to cover their bodies from men's hungry eyes. Honestly, I dress how I want, which is pretty modest now that I'm older and just don't care, but if I had cleavage would I show a little bit of it... well, yes. I know my behind is a great asset and I wear pants that make it look so. I also know the dangers of relying on looks and sexuality to court a possible relationship though. I know them because I lived them. Sex only became bad when I thought that was the only thing I was really valued for. When I was valued for my quirks, and my "sexiness" was founded in the silly things I did, then sex became a gift. Because there was trust, and the ability to laugh when things seemed a little weird (sounds, body parts, etc all funny with the right person). <br />It's something I've thought about a lot, because I was raised with and am still working through the guilt of it at 27. Not that I didn't wait, I don't have guilt there, but of being a sexual being. I have made progress, as I have learned to love myself and find myself to be a "sexy" (good lord that word makes me wince) person. <br />I've been wanting to write posts about this, write posts in forms of letters to young women about what it means to be sexy, and what to look for, what to really look for in love. It just hasn't fully come out yet. I just want young women to learn way earlier than I did that being who you are, exactly as you are, is going to work for someone. and they are going to love it. and if you want to improve, go for it, because they are going to be there with you on that, but remember that smaller clothes, or provocative dance moves, or party tricks, or alcohol aren't going to make you feel good at the end of it. <br />I don't think this is quite as organized as I wanted it to be, but thank you for the honesty. I think it will be well received. And I think it is SO important for these things to be talked about. Also, there is a book called Slow Sex... I hear it's pretty good. Miss Chttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15099432277343129346noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-4521357383086823982014-01-13T13:14:29.968-06:002014-01-13T13:14:29.968-06:00I want to leave a whole long comment because I a...I want to leave a whole long comment because I also waited and I really wish I had been given more information and guidance about how things might be. But I'm on my phone and so I'll just say, it gets sooo much better! <br /><br />also, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend Sheet Music. nataliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10821740286799375290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-84475338314908078302014-01-13T11:38:59.828-06:002014-01-13T11:38:59.828-06:00Wow, what an honest post! For someone who does not...Wow, what an honest post! For someone who does not agree with teachings of any religion (I was raised Catholic but chose not to practice once I became an adult) mainly because of the guilt and shame associated with many aspects of my life (I could go on but I won't, lol), I can completely see why you are struggling. Sex is a very intimate act and very confusing in the beginning-- whether that's the first time ever doing "it" or the beginning of a new relationship! I mean, my first time was downright awkward and confusing and it was not fun. I'm glad to read that things are getting easier, I think it will take time. Since you are married, and not just dating, you're of course more willing to practice and make it good than someone who's just dating and can basically be like "well this isn't working, I'm out!" And I'm proud of you for that!! The thing with sex (I have experience, as I said before I don't practice the purity thing and that's ok in my book, too!) is that sometimes it just isn't fun at first because you're nervous (feeling guilty and shamed is huge, I bet) for countless reasons, like you might be nervous if you're doing it "right" or how you're breathing or where should you put your hands or "does he feel good, how do I know he feels good?" Etc. I suggest learning to connect with your body on your own, learn what makes you feel good (yes, I'm talking about goin "solo") and bringing Blake in on it, too. Good luck!!!! Again, I appreciate this post and am so proud of you for bringing light to this topic to other young Christian girls who may be soon struggling with this situation, too. XOXO!Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07324717795943773413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1867144268621535114.post-20564385428561356782014-01-13T11:16:59.345-06:002014-01-13T11:16:59.345-06:00thank you for sharing this haley—it is never easy ...thank you for sharing this haley—it is never easy to share such intimate parts of your life with ANYBODY, let alone to the 'internet world' where people don't really know you. <br /><br />as somebody who didn't grow up with religion, and doesn't identify as a person of faith—this was still incredibly touching to me. thank you so much for sharing your struggles and thoughts on 'sexual purity'. i think in general what society tells us about sex is so skewed, and never hits on the reality of what sex and a sex-life between couples are like, or can be like. in any type of relationship though, all aspects of it take work. the sex part is just something everybody fails to mention.<br /><br />anyway. thank you again for sharing; i wish you and blake the very best!<br /><br />gabigabriellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17313830333971518228noreply@blogger.com