An older than dirt photo of me. This was from my senior year ish of high school.Blake and I have spent a lot of time discussing my past. I had a lot to confess to him in order to move forward in our relationship. Pre-Blake days, I wasted a lot of energy on boys that were most definitely not worth my time or effort (or tears, if we are being honest here).
The months leading up to mine and Blake's relationship were the worst. Actually, the whole year leading up to Blake. I tirelessly prayed for the wisdom and strength to get me through the worst few months of my life. God was always faithful, although I couldn't always feel His presence in my life. But He was always there.
I had a boyfriend. He was IT. He was The One. We dated for a few months, and then things slowly fell apart. He had an anger problem, I had anxiety about our (my) future. I had talked to other SO much about our future that after a while, I felt trapped - like I had to marry him, or I would be disappointing those who had invested so much in my relationship with him. People who had put faith in our relationship, and even those who doubted us - I wanted to prove them wrong, show them that we would get married after all. But it wasn't in the cards.
A sequence of events were the final straws for me. We broke up (over text slash phone call, I might add. Major cop out on my part, I know). He called and texted for days. He showed up at my house and workplace unannounced. I felt stalked. I felt even more trapped than I did when we were together. I felt so unable to move on from this relationship, one of the most unhealthy places I've ever been in in my life.
And I prayed and prayed that God would guide me away from the darkness that plagued my every day. That he would show me that things would get better. That he would show this guy that I was not "it" for him, that he would find his girl and move on.
Blake and I started hanging out, and it was the breath of fresh air that I needed. Blake and I didn't have to be serious, which is all I was with my ex-boyfriend. Blake and I could be silly, we could be 'just friends' and be just fine (although, he would tell you my constant need for a label was probably really annoying). After a while, things did get serious (um, Captain Obvious, right?) and things got a little strained between the ex-boyfriend and I.
And then all of a sudden he was engaged.
At first I was hurt (again, since we're being honest...). I had no idea where the hurt came from, but I felt a little bit on the jilted side. I knew we were over, I was confident in my relationship with Blake and knew were our future was going, but still... there was a tiny bit of hurt.
I kept a journal during this time. I wrote all of my feelings out whenever I felt the need. Oh my gosh, best thing I have ever done for myself. I would read over what I had written and God slowly revealed to me that whatever I was holding onto with my ex-boyfriend was so unhealthy and that my relationship with Blake would suffer badly if I continued holding onto that pain. God did BIG work in my life in those few weeks after I found out about the engagement. My relationship with Blake became stronger, my relationship with Christ blossomed in a way I thought it never would.
I even texted my ex-boyfriend and thanked him for what had happened between us. No matter what we went through - it was for a purpose. God had a purpose for all of it. I wouldn't treasure the bond that Blake and I have now if it hadn't been for that one bad relationship. Funny how that works, right?
In 7 short months, my name will change to Haley Tucker. It's crazy how much my life has changed in the two years since I graduated high school, but it's all been for the best.
I now can look back on that period of my life and give all thanks to God for bringing me out of all of that. Life could've ended up so differently, and I think about that almost daily. But God had a plan for my ex. He had a plan for me. And I am so grateful for that plan.
I have to stop every so often and remind myself that no matter how much I plan my life out, God's plan and His timing is always better than my own.
Thanks for reading my word vomit. Just something that was on my mind tonight.